so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize