Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
