You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
