Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
