Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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