I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
