Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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