I just cut my nipple shaving
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
