tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
