Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
