I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I love having hate sex.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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