I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
