i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
