Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have already put on my inside pants.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
