I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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