I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
