I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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