Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You are the jesus of drinking
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
