the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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