I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I looked at my own cervix.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
