Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
