Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
