my shit smells like andre
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
