I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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