Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
