he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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