I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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