I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
