Your face is a jimmy john
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
This is my gift to your gina
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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