Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
