i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
