Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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