i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
