Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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