And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Are my feet made of real feet?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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