Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
