I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
