hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize