I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
