I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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