mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
