I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
