I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
