my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
