Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
