I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I deserve this hangover.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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