If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize