Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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