If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
