You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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