the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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