Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
