just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
