It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
