In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
