I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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