I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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