I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize