I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize