She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize