I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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