My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize