Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
