Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
